For many people, the expectation of becoming a new parent is that it’ll be non-stop joy and excitement. But the reality is often very different to that. If you feel exhausted, anxious, or lonely, rest assured that’s completely normal and you’re not alone.
To explore these feelings, we’ve spoken to two Family Action colleagues: Jen at South Tees Perinatal Support Service and Katie at Bradford Perinatal Support Service. In this article, we’ll look at why these feelings happen, show you practical ways to cope, and point you to support that can make a real difference.
It’s okay to feel how you feel
After having a baby you might feel like you should be happy all the time. People say things like “It’s such an exciting time!” and if you’re feeling any other emotions, you may wonder why you don’t feel that way. But you’re not doing anything wrong.
Parenthood is a big adjustment, and even those who were desperate for a child can experience difficult feelings and emotions.
Jen explained: “The majority of the parents we support are very overwhelmed. Their hormones are all over the place, and low mood and anxiety appears or is amplified further… And there’s loneliness as well – for example, if you’re used to working and now you’re at home with a new baby, you may find yourself craving that conversation with other adults.”
The loneliness and isolation then feeds into low mood as well… and I think there’s a lot of expectations about the difference between a good mum and a bad mum.
Katie and Jen agreed that something they see quite frequently is parents who feel like their baby isn’t sleeping or feeding because they’re a bad parent. And that again often comes down to people’s expectations of what being a parent will be like. The reality is that every baby is different, so there’s no ‘one-size-fits-all’ approach to parenting.
While you may head to social media to connect with others in a similar situation, it can make these feelings worse. “Parents still go to social media to check in and think, ‘This is what I should be doing now,’ according to some celebrity or perfect moments shared on Instagram,” Jen said. “But remember that’s just one shot, or what they want you to see.”
One person’s social media highlights will probably look very different to your everyday life – and that’s fine.
Feelings you might experience
As a new parent, you may have a lot of different feelings at different points in your parenting journey. Some examples of what you may notice include:
- Exhaustion as broken sleep and being busy take their toll.
- Loneliness and isolation – you crave adult conversation after leaving work.
- Guilt, perhaps due to feeling you’re not doing a ‘good enough’ job, or because you miss aspects of your life before having a child.
- Overwhelm and fear of failure – you may worry you’re not a ‘good parent.’
- Fear of repeating past mistakes if you’re a parent of multiple children.
- Pressure from family expectations, especially if you live with extended family. Katie explained: “For some grandparents, the idea that a daughter-in-law could parent their grandchild differently to how they parented their son is a massive source of conflict.”
- Worries about coping with more than one child – “We see families with three children under the age of three, or two under three already and one on the way,” Katie said, “and it can feel really overwhelming.”
- Comparing yourself to others on social media.
Practical ways to start to feel better
While you may experience difficult feelings, there are things you can do to start to feel better. Here are some strategies that Jen and Katie have seen work for other parents:
1. Write it down
Journaling helps you process emotions and reduce anxiety. “Jen and I are both passionate about how powerful journaling can be,” Katie explained. Use prompts from Maternal Journal or just write about what’s on your mind. The simple act of writing about what’s going on in your head can help a lot.
For more on this topic, see our article: How creative writing can promote good mental health.
2. Practise mindfulness
Mindfulness doesn’t require long sessions or complicated techniques. You can practise it during everyday tasks and it’s as easy as focusing on your breath while washing up or listen to a calming podcast during chores.
“We run journaling sessions and mindfulness sessions,” Jen said. “Parents go away not just with tools to regulate breathing and be in the moment, but also with friends and support.”
3. Make time for self-care
Self-care isn’t selfish – it’s essential. Spend a little time doing something that makes you feel good – examples might include:
- A warm bath
- Lighting a candle
- Reading a book
- Listening to music
- Spending time outdoors
- Picking some flowers
- Reading your holy book
It’s not just the fact that you’ve done some kind of self-care and got the benefits of doing that thing – the fact that you’ve made time for yourself is self-care in itself.
If self-care feels like something you just don’t have time for, know that even 10 minutes of time invested in yourself can make a big difference to how you feel. And finding 10 minutes will likely feel much more achievable than trying to find an entire hour to yourself when you’re busy and tired.
If even the thought of trying to find 10 minutes to yourself is stressful, Katie has some tips. Firstly, think about things you currently do that maybe you don’t need to do. “Maybe you don’t need to hoover twice a week – just hoover once a week and there’s 10 minutes. Or find the time when all your children are quiet – that’s your self-care time.”
Depending on your preferred self-care activity, you might be able to use the time when your children are in bed, before you go to bed yourself.
4. Find joy in small moments
Sometimes you might feel all you can do is find very small moments that make you smile. You can make these moments happen yourself, by combining them with things you know you’re going to have to do throughout the day.
For example, when you change your baby’s nappy, you could sing to them. Or when you’re dressing them you could do some tickling or gentle play to spend some time bonding.
Finding those little moments of joy are the things that sometimes keep you clinging on when the rest of the day is hard.
5. Connect with others
Having the support of other people can be a great help, but being able to connect with other people in the same situation as you changes everything. Look into what maternity circles or baby groups are available in your area so you can meet and connect with other parents who are at a similar place in their parenting journey.
Online communities are another option, as is social media – although it’s important to be selective. While connecting with the right people on social media can be a great source of support, scrolling through too many ‘perfect’ posts can contribute to negative feelings and emotions. Organisations that are worth looking up on social media include the Lullaby Trust, the Contented Child, and National Breastfeeding Helpline.
6. Get outdoors
Fresh air and movement boost your mood, and even a short walk can help you feel better.
“One of the big things for us is helping people get out of the home and into the fresh air,” Jen explained. “The energy they get from nature and being outside gives them the energy to get on with the rest of the day, as well as helping improve mental health.”
This can also be a good way to combine self-care and socialising. If meeting a friend for coffee feels impossible, you could suggest walking together with a takeaway coffee while your baby naps in the pram.
The National Literacy Trust’s walk and talk cards (available free if you sign up for a free account) can also help you be mindful on walks, and help you have conversations with your child aged 0-5 while you’re out and about.
7. Don’t be afraid to ask for help
If you feel overwhelmed by visitors or chores, don’t feel like you have to do it alone – ask for help. Family and friends often want to support you but may not know how, or may be wary of intruding.
It might be that you’d love some help but don’t know how to ask. It’s best to be specific if there’s something you’d really like some help with: ask someone to get some groceries, fold laundry, or watch your baby while you shower.
Where to find support
While you can take small steps yourself to start to feel better if you’re experiencing poor mental health as a new parent, please know more support is out there if you need it. From local services to national resources, people are there to help you through this stage.
Here are some helpful resources:
- Family Action service finder
- Lullaby Trust – support with safe sleeping
- ICON – support when your baby is crying
- National Breastfeeding Helpline – breastfeeding information and support
- Close Knit Families – wellbeing support
- Tiny Happy People
- Maternal Journal
- Dad Matters
- Local maternity groups (check your area for details)
We also have a free downloadable resource you can save to refer back to: Top ten tips for perinatal mental health [PDF].
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