Big emotions can take parents by surprise. One minute everything feels fine, the next there are tears or shouting. These moments can be exhausting, especially when they happen regularly, and it’s easy for parents to worry they’re doing something wrong.
But big emotions are a normal part of childhood, and what most helps children cope is how the adults around them respond. Managing your own feelings – even when you don’t get it right every time – plays a big role in helping your child understand and handle theirs.
Family Action colleagues Hannah Cutts and Tuyet Dickens work with the Empowering Parents, Empowering Communities (EPEC) programme, and they emphasise that this isn’t about staying calm all the time. It’s about awareness, connection with your child, and repair when things get overwhelming.
Even the most emotionally literate parents can benefit from being reminded about emotional regulation. We could all do with it – it’s such a win for parenting and for children.
What is emotional regulation?
Emotional regulation is the ability to notice, manage and respond to feelings in a way that helps us cope, rather than feeling overwhelmed by them.
For young children, emotional regulation is something they need to learn. Their brains are still developing, which means they often rely on adults to help them calm down. That’s why big emotions and tantrums are so common in the early years.
“When children are little, their brains need help to regulate,” Tuyet explains. “They need help to calm down – they can’t always do it on their own yet.”
This is where co‑regulation comes in. Co‑regulation is when two people help each other cope with their emotions. This means children learn how to manage their emotions through repeated experiences of being soothed, supported and understood by an adult. Over time, this helps them develop the skills to regulate themselves.
So when you’re calm, you’re teaching your child that strong feelings are manageable.
Why managing your own emotions really matters
Children are always watching, even when we don’t realise it. They learn how emotions work by seeing how adults respond to frustration, stress and disappointment.
This doesn’t mean you have to hide your emotions or be calm all the time. It means showing your child that feelings can be noticed, named and handled, even after a difficult moment.
When parents are overwhelmed, tired or stressed, it becomes much harder to respond calmly to big emotions. That’s why caring for yourself is such an important part of helping your child.
Self-care and emotional regulation: you can’t pour from an empty jug
Hannah and Tuyet explain the idea of an “empty jug”, where the jug represents your levels of energy and patience. “No one can run on an empty jug,” Hannah points out. At the start of the day, your jug might feel full. As the day goes on, work pressures, childcare, housework and interruptions slowly empty it.
We also use the oxygen mask analogy: on an aeroplane, they tell you to put your oxygen mask on before you help other people. It's that idea – when you're looking after yourself, you can better look after those around you.
This is why self-care is so important. It doesn’t need to be elaborate or time-consuming. It also isn’t the same as simply getting through your to‑do list. You may feel like you’ve accomplished a lot when you’ve got the children to bed, washed the dishes, made tomorrow’s packed lunches and put a wash on, but that’s not self-care.
For some people, filling their jug might mean a proper rest, a walk, a bath with candles, or 15 minutes reading a book. What matters is finding something that genuinely helps you recharge.
“Self-care looks different for everybody,” Tuyet says. “For some people it might be alone time. For others it might be talking to someone on the phone with a cup of coffee. It could be 5 minutes or it could be two hours.”
Being good enough vs being a perfect parent
Many parents put enormous pressure on themselves to get everything right. But in reality, perfection isn’t realistic.
There is no perfect parent. It’s exhausting being a parent and trying to get everything right, because you can’t.
The idea of being a ‘good enough’ parent is about recognising that mistakes will happen, and also that good enough is enough.
“It’s okay not to be okay,” Tuyet adds. What matters is being able to come back from difficult moments and repair the connection with your child.”
Letting go of unrealistic expectations – both of yourself and your child – is part of this. Doing this can help reduce feelings of guilt and failure, and make stressful moments easier to navigate.
Practical ways to support your child through big emotions
Use ‘I’ statements for calm communication
EPEC suggests using ‘I’ statements to help you express your feelings without blaming your child. They also give children the language to understand emotions.
“Instead of saying ‘you never listen’, you might say ‘I feel frustrated because you aren’t showing me good listening’,” Hannah says.
“You’re role modelling it by labelling the behaviour, not the child,” Tuyet adds.
EPEC’s suggested format for doing this is:
- Start with “I feel (describe your emotion)…” so your child knows what the problem is.
- Add “when you (describe what’s happening)…” so they understand what they’re doing.
- Add “because…” and explain what the consequence of their behaviour is for you.
An example of this might be: “I feel frustrated when you leave crumbs on the sofa because it makes work for me to clean it up.”
You might go on to add a request for your child to help you – for example: “You can help me by sitting at the table to eat your snack.”
This approach helps children learn that feelings are separate from behaviour. It also helps them understand they can talk about how they’re feeling.
Look for the need behind the behaviour
When a child is struggling with big emotions, the behaviour can feel overwhelming. But pausing to think about what might be underneath it can change how you respond.
“We always say: take a step back – what’s the behaviour? And what do you think the need might be in that moment?” Tuyet says.
“When you think about it, you know there’s a reason and they’re not doing it on purpose. They might be hungry, tired or overwhelmed. That shift in thinking can be a big lightbulb moment for parents.”
You could run through a list, either in your head or out loud if your child is old enough to respond. Are they:
- hungry
- thirsty
- tired
- unhappy/sad/angry/worried about something
- in need of a nappy change/the toilet?
This mindset can make it easier to respond with empathy rather than frustration. It also helps you realise if your child needs something.
What to do during a tantrum
When a child is in the middle of a tantrum, they often aren’t able to listen or reason. This is especially true for younger children, who can’t yet explain how they feel. So if they’re in the middle of some big emotions, what can you do as a parent?
The quick answer is it’s going to vary depending on your child. Some children want comfort while others need space. Gently saying phrases like “I’m here” or “It’s okay” can help. Reducing noise and stimulation can also make a difference.
Often the best thing is to talk less. Make sure your child is safe, stay nearby, and praise your child once they’ve calmed down.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed and you have support handy, ask them to stay with your child while you step away for a break. Otherwise, move away from your child if they’re safe, and take a few deep breaths. This can be difficult if you’re out somewhere, but do what you can to give yourself a little space to feel calmer.
“You’ll always react better if you give yourself a moment,” Tuyet adds.
When things go wrong: why apologising and repair matter
Everyone loses their temper sometimes. What matters most is what happens next. Professionals sometimes describe this as ‘rupture and repair’.
“Ruptures will always happen,” Tuyet explains. “But it’s how you repair that connection that matters.”
Apologising shows children that everyone makes mistakes, and more importantly that relationships can recover.
Using ‘I’ statements helps here too:
- “I’m sorry I shouted. I was feeling frustrated.”
- “I wish I’d handled that differently.”
Helping your child reflect afterwards
Once everyone is calm, it can help to gently come back to what happened. This is especially useful with older children, who might be able to explain what feelings made them act the way they did.
Tuyet suggests a way you might go about this: “Earlier, I could see you were really sad. Do you want to talk about it now?”
As well as reflecting on earlier behaviour, it’s also important to notice and praise positive behaviour.
“We’re so quick to jump on the negative behaviours,” Tuyet says, “but actually, try and ignore the really negative behaviour, and the minute they calm themselves down, tell them: ‘Well done for calming yourself down so nicely. I can see you tried really hard.’”
Where to find more support
Managing your own emotions doesn’t mean being calm all the time. It means noticing when things feel hard, taking care of yourself where you can, and being honest and empathetic with your child. But if you’re finding big emotions or tantrums hard to manage, you don’t have to do it alone.
Family Action runs a range of services for parents and carers across the UK, including the Empowering Parents, Empowering Communities (EPEC) programme in parts of Manchester. This supports parents to better understand children’s behaviour, manage their own feelings, and build calm, positive relationships at home.
EPEC programmes are delivered nationally by a range of organisations, so it may be available in your area even if Family Action doesn’t run it locally.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed right now, you can also contact FamilyLine, Family Action’s free national helpline, for confidential support and guidance.
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If you’re feeling overwhelmed, worried or upset about any aspect of your family life, FamilyLine is here for you. We offer free emotional support and guidance on family relationships, conflict, parenting, caring, financial worries and more.
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