There’s no denying welcoming a baby into your family is a major life change. But alongside the practical demands, many couples are surprised by how much their relationship shifts.
In a recent survey we carried out to find out what first-time parents wished they knew before their children came along, several parents mentioned the effect becoming a parent had on their relationship. The constant tiredness and pressure of caring for a newborn makes it easy to become a bit distant or disconnected from the person you’re closest to.
In this article, we look at what the challenges of becoming a parent can mean for your relationship and to tackle being new parents together.
[It] can be a surprise for new parents but when you're constantly sleep deprived it's easy to snap at each other. It really does put relationships to the test – and [it’s] when you find out if you and your partner are on the same page (or not).
How becoming a parent might affect your relationship
Certain factors often associated with becoming a parent can also have a knock-on effect on your relationship. These might include:
Tiredness and sleep deprivation
Most new parents experience disrupted sleep – some for longer than others. Tiredness affects mood, concentration and communication, which can lead to misunderstandings or irritability.
“Our child didn’t sleep through the night until he was nearly two and a half,” one parent explained. “The impact on us was huge. It is so much harder to function and keep everything together when you are always so tired.”
Everyday decisions can feel harder, and problems may seem bigger than they are simply because both partners are so tired.
Lack of sleep can make every day challenges seem ten times worse.
Understanding your role as a new parent
Some parents may not immediately know what their role is in caring for a newborn. The focus is often on the mother and baby, particularly if mum is breastfeeding. This can leave fathers or non‑breastfeeding partners initially feeling a bit redundant.
It can also take time to feel confident when caring for a newborn – especially if it feels like you’re looking after a delicate bundle that just eats, sleeps and poos. Feeling unsure or less involved can sometimes create distance or frustration. But there are plenty of other practical tasks that need to be done, so taking small responsibilities early on can help both confidence and connection.
Additionally, if one parent is working and the other is at home with the baby, the working parent may feel unsure where they fit in when they return home, or they may feel like they’ve missed out during the day.
Different parenting styles
Once the baby arrives, this is also when differences in parenting approaches tend to emerge. Some parents are naturally on the same page, but for others it may take some compromise and discussion to agree on an approach.
This links closely to how you divide responsibilities. If one parent is at home with the baby all day, tiredness and practical demands may shape how they manage things. If the other parent comes home from work with different ideas, or starts offering advice or criticism, this can leave the stay-at-home parent feeling resentful.
Less time together
In the simplest terms, there’s now another person in your family, and one that requires a lot of care and attention. Daily life becomes centred on feeding, settling and general care, as well as often having a lot of firsts and things to figure out or learn.
This can leave fewer chances for conversation or connection with your partner and can create distance between you. You may find the relationship feels more like a series of tasks you’re tackling as people who live together, rather than a partnership.
It is so easy to become completely consumed by the needs of the child and to forget the importance of nurturing your relationship with your partner.
Feeling invisible
With the addition of a baby in the family, some new parents feel less seen or valued when the focus shifts to be on the baby, or on baby and mum. This can be particularly noticeable if one partner feels they:
- are doing most of the caring but this isn’t being noticed
- don’t have a role to play in the family.
For more of parents’ real experiences, watch this 20-minute video by the Institute of Health Visitors (this video contains subjects that might be triggering for some people, including gambling and mental health):
Uneven emotional or physical load
If one parent is doing most of the hands-on care, they may feel overwhelmed. The other parent may feel pressure to provide financially or frustration at not knowing how best to help. ‑on care, they may feel overwhelmed. The other parent may
In these situations, each partner’s challenges are different. If communication isn’t good – and this is easy when you’re both busy and tired – these challenges can also cause tension.
Changes in identity
Becoming a parent can affect how you see yourself. Your free time, routines and priorities change. Both partners may adjust at different speeds, which can feel confusing or unsettling.
You may also feel a certain amount of grief for your life before becoming a parent. This doesn’t mean you don’t value your new role as a parent, but it’s also important you aren’t hard on yourself if there are elements of your life before parenthood that you miss.
If one parent stays at home with the baby but they were previously used to going out to work, they may feel they miss adult conversation, for example. If the other parent is working still, this may not be something they consider. These differences in daily experience can create resentment if you don’t discuss them.
Ways to support and protect your relationship
Now we’ve looked at some of the challenges of becoming a parent, and how it can affect your relationship, let’s look at how to balance that out.
Have honest and constructive conversations
One thing you might notice when reading through the issues we’ve highlighted above is that the common thread is communication.
Your relationship (if you are in one) will change. This is normal, so communicate before having a baby about expectations, and keep this communication going as you become parents.
Short, regular check-ins can help you stay connected. Using simple statements such as “I feel…” or “I need…” keeps conversations clear and reduces the chance of blame. It can also help to focus on one issue at a time rather than trying to solve everything in one discussion.
Choosing a realistic moment to talk is important. Challenging conversations are usually harder late at night or when either partner is very tired. A brief conversation during a walk, or while the baby naps, can sometimes be more productive than a long discussion.
Discuss how you share the load (and revisit regularly)
It can help to be clear about tasks that need doing, rather than expecting each other to notice. Needs can change quickly, so regularly reviewing how you share the load can prevent frustration from building. And if one parent feels unsure, breaking tasks down can help.
For example if one parent is breastfeeding, the non‑breastfeeding parent can take responsibility for burping, changing, bathing, settling or doing other household tasks.
Sharing the load doesn’t always mean doing the same tasks, or an equal number of tasks – but it should feel fair and manageable to both partners. It can help to make decisions based on energy levels, work schedules and individual strengths and preferences.
Prioritise sleep when possible
Sleep can be a bit trickier to organise, but where possible, take turns resting. You might also be able to alternate night responsibilities, or be able to take turns at having a nap. Even a small increase in sleep can make challenges and communication feel easier.
It may also help to temporarily cut back on some tasks that aren’t necessary so both partners can save some energy. If that means you don’t vacuum the house or wash the dishes as often, that’s okay. Do what you need to do to make this period feel easier.
Create moments of connection
For new parents who are feeling tired and overwhelmed, the good news is that connection often comes from small interactions, and it isn’t necessarily just about long periods of time together. Examples might include:
- having a simple conversation at the end of the day, and really paying attention to what the other person is saying
- checking in about how the other person is coping
- sitting together with a cup of tea for a few minutes once the baby is asleep
- simply giving each other a hug.
Bear in mind physical intimacy can take time to return after birth. There’s no set timetable, so take the pressure off by having an open conversation about how you’re feeling. You can rebuild intimacy gradually and without pressure on your own terms.
It can be easy to focus all your love on your new baby, but try to keep a little for your partner after you become a parent.
Approach parenting differences calmly
It’s natural that different people may have different ideas about parenting. For starters, you and your partner were likely brought up differently, and how your parents raised you will probably affect what you do or don’t want to do when raising your own child.
“Talk to each other about parenting and see parenting as a skill to keep learning about,” one parent recommended. Focus on the areas you both agree on. For other tasks, accept that each of you may do things differently. Babies adapt to a range of approaches, and not everything needs to be done in exactly the same way. After all, there’s no ‘right’ way to parent.
Finally – and possibly most importantly – one parent stressed the importance of not venting to other people about your partner. “Don’t talk about how your partner parents to other people – talk to them.”
Ask for help
If you have a support network of friends and family around you, make the most of this. Often, they’re keen to help where they can but may not want to step on your toes during your early days as a new parent. The truth is, they’re probably looking forward to spending time with your baby, and will relish the chance to sit with them for an hour while you and your partner do something together.
Even if you don’t have friends and family locally, don’t forget your health visitor or other organisations and charities can offer support and guidance. There might also be local baby groups you can join that can help you connect with other parents and share tips and advice. Asking for help early on can help prevent difficulties from becoming more overwhelming.
It can also be helpful to seek additional support if:
- you’re arguing frequently
- communication has broken down
- one or both partners feel consistently overwhelmed
- there are signs of postnatal depression or anxiety.
For more support and information:
- check our service finder to find Family Action services in your area
- contact our free helpline, FamilyLine
- see Relate’s resources for parents.
Call, text, email or web chat FamilyLine
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, worried or upset about any aspect of your family life, FamilyLine is here for you. We offer free emotional support and guidance on family relationships, conflict, parenting, caring, financial worries and more.
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