Abby was traumatised from the birth of her premature son and felt broken and isolated after struggling to bond with him. Meeting Maria from Family Action was a turning point that led Abby to feel confident enough to attend a baby group and find a supportive community.
I was so determined I was never having kids… I was going to take a year off after school and go to university. But when I became pregnant unexpectedly, I suddenly couldn’t think of anything else. As soon as I saw the two lines on the pregnancy test I felt only love for my unborn son.
Then, later, when I saw his scan, I thought he looked so cute – like a little chicken nugget! But that scan also revealed that he was too small and, eventually, after I came back after reduced movement, it also meant that I had to visit the hospital for daily scans.
Because of that reduced movement I was booked in for a C-section on the 1st June, but he came even earlier than that, when he was delivered by emergency C-section in late May. My beautiful premature son weighed just two pounds.
My mental health has always been a bit rocky, and the situation just made it so much worse… I was very anxious.
Bonding with my premature son was difficult
I was still traumatised from the birth and my struggles with bonding meant I felt like I was broken; you’re supposed to instantly love your kids, and there’s a huge stigma about that instant bond.
I just felt really isolated. I couldn’t really hang out with my friends because he was too little, and I didn’t trust anyone with him. I was overthinking what would happen to him – even with my partner – and because I was in insecure housing I was often just sitting in one room with him.
I was 22 and it just felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone, particularly as I had friends who didn’t have a child themselves, and I worried that I would be judged by other mums. It was one of my lowest points. I have two close friends and they’re REALLY close friends but, although they fell in love with him and doted on him, they were at university and the only way I could talk to them was on Xbox live and stuff, and at the slightest of noises he would start waking up.
When I met Maria from Family Action I just kind of clicked with her right away. She’s really nice and she suggested going to a coffee shop where we could sit down and have a drink.
I was scared of my own shadow at that point and anxious about taking him anywhere because he was such a whiny baby, but Maria helped me feel more comfortable with going places and with not knowing if people would judge me and my baby.
Finding my village
Eventually we went to a baby group which was lovely as I started coming out my shell a bit, speaking to the other mums and interacting with the kids. Some of the mums that had a bit more experience than me were giving me advice – talking to me and encouraging my son to play. It was also nice to hear the struggles of the other mums as well, so I knew that I wasn’t the only one struggling. I also really clicked with another mum and we’re still messaging now… it’s like I’d met my soulmate.
It seems strange now to think that I didn’t really have much of a bond with him until Maria helped me, and that it sometimes didn’t feel like he was mine. But it can happen to anyone. All I can say to other mums in the same circumstances is that it’ll get easier… you’ll meet people and they’ll help you and it’ll get better.
There was no lightbulb moment, but every time I held him, I saw his personality develop, and I loved him more.
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Being a mother can be filled with love, joy, and lots of challenges. Not every mum has the support they need to navigate these.
