1 in 4 of us each year will experience a mental health problem. While that’s different for every person, for so many it means years of keeping on going, trying to hold it all together, as challenge after challenge stacks up before a breaking point. Here, Ang, a member of the community at Family Action’s mental health support service, BAND, shares her story of caring for and losing her husband before finding the support that keeps her from spiralling back into isolation and ill health.
I was devastated when he died, I was in my head 24/7. I couldn’t think, I was literally nowhere…
My husband and I first came together as friends, and we were soulmates. He understood me, and I understood him. I’d had a tough few years when we met and he just opened me up.
I don’t know how he caught pneumonia, but he was diabetic, and we did some work volunteering at the local football club, where it could get very cold.
I became his carer when he became an amputee. First, he had his foot amputated but using the prosthetic they gave him opened up another wound. We were trying to get his leg back straight, but it was a no go, and they had to amputate his leg.
When he was taken into hospital he was diagnosed with cancer, which was difficult as I had recently found out that my mum, who had dementia, had also been diagnosed with cancer.
I have fibromyalgia and asthma and I remember walking up to see her in the nursing home while it ached all over my body but, because of COVID, they wouldn’t let me in. I had my phone stolen around that time too and, when I managed to get a temporary phone, I had messages from my brother trying to get hold of me. He told me my mum had been taken into hospital, where she’d contracted COVID, and died.
My husband passed away not long after. I couldn’t comprehend it. I was devastated when he died, and I was in my head 24/7. I couldn’t think, I was literally nowhere… in no man’s land.
If it wasn’t for my brother phoning me, I wouldn’t have been able to do my husband’s funeral.
He said, ‘I’m coming down and getting you out and getting it sorted’. I took care of a lot of the caring for my mum when she first got dementia, even though I’m the youngest, but at that point he was there for us both. My brother was such a positive. Even so, because of all the trouble, I wasn’t with it.
I felt like it wasn’t worth being here. I was worried I would hurt myself, so I was passed to doctors and a mental health nurse to help.
My doctor told me there was some groups I could go to. I knew I needed to get out, but it was hard the first time I came to BAND. When I arrived, I was anxious, and nervous, and a bit scared as I didn’t know what it was going to be like. I feel that way with a lot of things. I think it’s because I’ve done so much in my life, the unknown is scary, and I’ve ended up with stress Tourette’s because I can’t get my anger out.
So, I wasn’t relaxed, as I didn’t know if people would be nice or friendly, and I was very quiet the first time… I think I was observing the environment to check if I was safe. People talked to me, but it felt like they’d let me be myself and, as time went on and they got to know me I spoke to a lot of the people here. Now I come in more often and it’s really good.
We’re like a family here and there for each other if we need each other. Getting to know people really helps... I’m not alone here, I’m not isolated.
I’ve had arguments but we’ve sorted them out. It’s respectful and every day of the week I’m out now, either with my family or with the people from BAND. We go out to places together…which is good as I used to go out with my husband. I don’t want to be stuck in my house on my own, so this really helps, I think without these groups I’d be at the point where I’d be in hospital.
BAND mental health support
BAND Living Well is Family Action’s Mental Health Support service in Bolton. If you, or someone you love needs support with a mental health issue you can call FamilyLine for help to find your nearest service or Samaritans for immediate emotional or crisis support.
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