Supporting a child or young person who’s being bullied

Bullying between siblings can sometimes be harder to recognise. Brothers and sisters often tease, argue and test boundaries, but there’s a difference between occasional disagreements and behaviour that repeatedly leaves a young person feeling upset or uncomfortable. Sathurja described situations where information shared in confidence has been used later during arguments. These can be particularly hurtful because they involve a breach of trust. When siblings live together or share a room, it can also feel much harder to get space from what’s happening.

Sathurja also described online bullying through social media messages, group chats, and sharing photos or videos. Because young people may see the people involved at school as well as online, it can feel constant and difficult to escape.

Why children and young people don’t always tell adults they’re being bullied

Some young people don’t feel confident speaking to an adult about bullying, and this can be for several reasons. Some worry about being called a “snitch”, or only feel able to talk to an adult they have a close, trusting relationship with.

Self-blame can be a particularly strong barrier to speaking up.

How to talk to your child about bullying

Choose a calm, informal moment such as on a walk, or when you’re in the car together. These situations allow your child to focus on their surroundings instead of just the conversation, which can help them feel safer and more able to talk. Being next to each other, rather than opposite, can also feel more comfortable for your child, as being face to face can feel too intense.

Begin with something you’ve noticed rather than an accusation. Depending on the situation, you might say something like:

• “I’ve noticed you haven’t mentioned your friend recently. How are things between you?”
• “You seem worried when your phone lights up. Is anything happening that you want to talk about?”

Gentle curiosity is more likely to open a conversation than demanding they put their phone away or explain immediately.

If they do talk, try not to interrupt, rush into solutions or decide what should happen before you know what they want. Sathurja recommends allowing a little bit of silence in conversations, rather than speaking straight after your young person.

“That silence then gives the young person more opportunity to speak without judgement,” Sathurja said. “Whereas when the adult is quick to give a solution or quick to make them see a different perspective, that young person may not share as much. So just sit in the silence and wait for them to feel ready to speak about more.”

Sathurja also highlighted that sitting quietly together can create an opportunity for a young person to start a conversation. Allowing them to lead the conversation can then make it easier for you to understand what’s actually going on.

To summarise, if your young person comes to you to talk about being bullied:

1. Listen without judgement or offering solutions.
2. Ask what they would like to happen next.
3. Agree who may need to be told and what support they would like from you.

First steps to helping a child that’s being bullied

There are different steps you might take, depending on where the bullying is happening, who’s doing it, and the age of your child.

If the bullying involves an adult who works at your child’s school, report your concerns through the school’s safeguarding or complaints procedure. For concerns involving an adult outside school, seek advice from an appropriate support service and contact the police or children’s social care if a child has been harmed or is at risk.

Younger children

Younger children may rely more on adults to help resolve a situation. Because younger children often look to trusted adults for guidance, they may be more comfortable asking for help than older teenagers. This can give you, teachers and other trusted adults an opportunity to step in early and support them in finding a way forward.

You could contact the school and, where it’s safe and appropriate, work together to help structure a conversation that’s supervised by a trusted adult. Sathurja said that many of the young people she works with find these supported conversations helpful. “It’s a safer environment where they feel more confident and comfortable, because they know it’s not just going to turn into an argument. [They know] they’re going to take something away from that conversation.”

However, bringing children together may not be suitable where there is ongoing intimidation or a significant power imbalance, and the child who has been bullied should not be pressured to take part.

Teenagers

Teenagers, by contrast, often want to handle bullying themselves and may only involve adults when they feel it’s necessary. However, guidance is still important because situations managed through group chats or confrontation can escalate into fights.

It can help to be clear that stepping back is an option when emotions are running high. Sathurja said that, ideally, “young people should feel really confident in stepping back.” The reality is that the messages young people hear are often the exact opposite and more about confronting situations than walking away.

Helping your child rebuild confidence after bullying

Even after the bullying has stopped, a young person may be lacking in confidence, more closed off to new friendships and find it harder to trust. It can help to gradually challenge negative expectations through small, manageable steps. Supporting your young person to do activities or hobbies they enjoy, where they may meet other likeminded people, is a good step.

You might also spend some time helping your young person identify what they’re good at, or doing things that help them feel good and boost their self-esteem. These reminders can help rebuild confidence when it’s taken a knock due to bullying. Find some examples of things you can do in our article Supporting your teenager’s mental health.

If your young person feels wary of others, you might suggest they begin by saying hello to a classmate, sitting near someone new or joining an activity – without feeling pressure to form an immediate friendship.

Sathurja explained that young people can sometimes feel like someone is their friend or they’re not, without taking into account that someone can be considered a classmate or peer. Even if someone isn’t currently a friend, there’s still a chance of building that relationship over time. But if they don’t become a friend, it doesn’t mean the relationship is negative – they may simply be a classmate or peer.

This can sometimes be easier to understand when you think about your own relationships. In a workplace, the people you work with are colleagues first. Over time, some may become friends, while others remain colleagues. Either outcome is absolutely fine.

In the same way, it’s okay for young people to have peers or classmates – they may just need a little support seeing that. Understanding this can be a confidence booster in its own right.

What to do if you think your child is bullying others

It can be difficult to consider that your child may have behaved unkindly to others, especially if they also feel like a victim. Try to remain open to that possibility, though. Instead of showing disappointment, calmly help them reflect on how their words, messages or actions affected the situation.

Questions can explore where each person went wrong, whether a different response could have prevented escalation and how the young person could act next time. Sathurja also stressed that “backing up” a friend does not excuse joining a fight or sending harmful messages.

Online, the distance of a screen can make it easier to ignore the impact of words. Without facial expressions, tone of voice or an immediate view of the other person’s reaction, a young person may say something online that they would be less likely to say face to face.