Supporting your teenager’s mental health

27 January 2025

If you’re the parent or caregiver of an adolescent who seems to be struggling, you may have questions about what you can do to support your teenager’s mental health while still giving them the independence, space and privacy they need.

If you don’t know quite where to start, and how to tell if your young person might need help from a professional, read on.

Understand it’s completely normal to have some ups and downs

Firstly, we should acknowledge that adolescence is a time of change, both in your young person’s body and in their brain. Over this period, adolescents can appear, act and behave differently. They might have days when they’re more angry, tearful, quiet or forgetful than they might have been when they were younger. This is completely usual for this phase of their life, and also for us as adults.

It’s important to bear in mind that there will be ups and downs, and some bad days among the good. But there’s a difference between the typical ups and downs of adolescence, and a teenager who is struggling with their mental health.

Let’s have a look at the signs that might indicate an adolescent is struggling.

How to know when to seek support

Knowing the difference between changes that occur in adolescence and when a teenager is struggling can be a challenge. Every young person is unique and every young person transitions into adolescence and adulthood differently.

There are things you can look out for, like if your young person is having negative thoughts and feelings that are impacting on their daily life. Things to watch out for might include:

  • not going to school
  • lying
  • not keeping up with personal hygiene
  • extremes of emotions, like frequently being very angry or very tearful
  • being very withdrawn to the point where they’re not getting involved in family life or any social activities.

The next thing to find out is if you’re seeing the same behaviour as other people. Don’t assume that what you’re seeing is what everyone else is seeing. Check in with your child’s school. If they go to a club, check in with whoever runs the club. If they go to friends’ houses, check in with their parents. Do they see a change?

For most of our children, their home is their safe space. And it’s often the people who you really love or feel safe with that see you at your worst. So if others aren’t noticing any difference in your child, it could be that they are making the most of the down time of being at home to let off steam and release some built-up tension or stress.

While it may feel like you’re seeing your teenager at their worst while others get their best bits, try to be reassured by knowing that they only act this way because they feel safe enough to do so.

But if multiple people have noticed a change in your child and feel that their daily life is being impacted, that may be the time you need to look into finding some support. You might speak to:

  • your school’s nurse. The school may also have pastoral support or a mental health worker you can contact.
  • your GP.
  • your local Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service (CAMHS).
  • FamilyLine, which offers free emotional support, information and guidance.
  • Young Minds, a mental health charity with lots of support for young people.

How you can support your teenager’s mental health at home

While you are in the process of getting support, there are still plenty of things you can continue to do at home to support your adolescent’s mental health. And not only that, but it’s important to keep trying different things, even if it feels like nothing is working. With time, you’ll find the thing that works.

close up of hands writing love messages in a card

For example, one quick and easy thing you can do together is make a list of things your teenager can do in the following five areas:

  1. Social: For example, phone grandma once a month.
  2. Entertainment: For example, find some soothing music to listen to.
  3. Physical: For example, take the dog for a walk.
  4. Achievement: For example, learn something new.
  5. Kindness: For example, send a letter to someone.

It’s important that your young person picks things that mean something to them. Then when they do that activity, they’ll be building up the positive hormones in their brain.

Understand the difference between thoughts and feelings

If a situation arises that triggers a certain feeling in you, you may easily recognise what the trigger was and how you felt about it. One thing you may not identify is the thought you had about the trigger that then caused the resulting feeling.

For example, if a work colleague sends you a very short and seemingly abrupt email about something you’re working on together, you might have some anxious feelings. The thoughts that might have caused you to feel this way could be, “Have I forgotten to do something I said I would?” or “They think I’m not pulling my weight” or something similar.

By changing the thought, you can change the way you feel. While you may initially have the thoughts mentioned above, you might then think, “They said they had a lot of meetings today, so they’ve obviously sent that email when they had a few spare minutes.” That reminds you it’s nothing personal – just someone rushing to get something done.

It’s important to recognise this equation:

Trigger + thought = feeling

Usually, the trigger is out of your control, because it’s often something someone else has done. You also can’t directly affect the feeling, as it’s a result of the trigger plus the thoughts you had. The thing you can control is the thought.

In case you’re not sure what’s a feeling and what’s a thought, remember this: usually, a feeling is one word, while a thought is a group of words.

This concept is the same for our children. If we can help our children recognise the thoughts they are having because of a certain trigger, we can then work with them to rephrase those thoughts to something more positive. That will help to change how they feel, which in turn changes the positive hormones in the brain.

Work together to change negative thoughts

So how do you work with your teenager to help them change their negative thoughts to more positive ones? Firstly, have a chat together about what evidence supports the negative thought – is there any? A lot of the time, there’s no evidence to support the negative thought, and that’s what we want to focus on.

Even if the negative thought is true, have a conversation with your adolescent about what you can do. For example, if your teen has homework due tomorrow that they haven’t even started, they might tell you they feel worried or anxious about not having done it. They might know the consequences of not doing the homework, but they might not know the thoughts that sit underneath it all. Perhaps they’re thinking:

 

  • “There’s not enough time to do it.”
  • “I should have started earlier.”
  • “I’m going to be in trouble tomorrow when I get to school.”

If negative thoughts have taken over, how can you both turn it around?

You might ask your teenager:

  • “What’s the plan?”
  • “Is there something you can do now that will start it?”
  • “Do you need anything from me?”

Helping your adolescent understand that there are things they can do that will make the situation better – if not quite perfect – can help them think more positively and in turn feel better.

It’s important to bear in mind that neurodivergent children often have much higher levels of anxiety and poor mental health as a byproduct of their neurodiversity, and this process won’t necessarily work so well for them. In this case, it’s important to keep modelling this as a parent and use lots of examples to explain what’s a trigger, what’s a thought and what’s a feeling.

Talk to your child about feelings and try to understand what a feeling might look like for them. If your child says they’re sad, ask them, “What does that mean for you?” or “What does that look like for you?” Let your child explain if they can.

If your child has had a meltdown, for example, think about what happened before the meltdown. What triggered it? If you’re able to identify the triggers, you can start to use these examples to help your child understand.

Social stories are another way to help your child identify thoughts, feelings, and triggers. Learn more about social stories and how to make your own in this article from the National Autistic Society, and for some examples, see The Big Book of Social Stories [PDF].

An example of a trigger, thoughts and feelings

Trigger: An exam

Thoughts: These might include:

  • I’m not going to know the answers.
  • I’m going to get a low grade.
  • I’m going to fail.

Feeling: Examples might be:

  • Worried
  • Fearful
  • Anxious

Sitting down with your teenager and talking about how past exams have gone can help them see that – for example – they haven’t failed any in the past. And if they’ve prepared this time, they’re unlikely to fail this one either. Reframing the negative thought by looking at past evidence can help change the feelings, as they’re associated with the thought.

Writing, journaling and doodling

Lots of research has been done into the power of writing and journaling and how good it can be for your mental health. To help your teen get started, you could get them a notebook or journal and a pen that they’d enjoy using. Some young people might also appreciate a lockable box to keep it in.

Then it’s time to start writing. One simple and quick activity is to write down three things you’re grateful for each day. The things you write about don’t need to be big or elaborate – it can be as simple as the sun coming out on your lunch break, laughing with a friend, or a great cup of tea. This doesn’t take long to do, and really helps you see the good things that happen throughout the day. The best thing is anyone can do it, so it’s something both you and your young person could start doing.

Other writing prompts might include:

  • Why might you want to write in a journal?
  • Do you have any worries that are out of your control?
  • Do you have any worries you can let go of? (With this one, your young person can write these down on a piece of paper, then tear them up and throw them in the bin.)
  • What have you achieved, and how can you celebrate this?
  • What helps you feel motivated? Why is motivation important?
  • What does your perfect day look like?

There are no right or wrong answers, and it also doesn’t matter how much they write. This is a space for your young person to get their thoughts and feelings out of their head and onto the paper.

Bear in mind that neurodivergent young people often won’t write, but they might draw or doodle. This may help them manage and process their emotions and feelings.

For more on the topic of writing, see our article about How creative writing can promote good mental health.

Technology and apps

Technology – particularly social media – often has a bad reputation when it comes to mental health. But there are ways you can use your devices that can definitely benefit both you and your teenager.

You might discuss apps with your teenager. One good app, that has both a free and a paid version, is Calm. Calm also has a resource page, with videos designed to support different aspects of your mental health. There are also simple breathing techniques that can help anyone in your family feel calmer and more relaxed – try Calm’s breathing bubble or 3-minute reset with the breath.

You could also send aspirational quotes and positive gifs to help remind your teenager that you love them and are thinking of them. This is a great way to build oxytocin – the love hormone – in the brain and helps you both to feel more connected.

Physical tools: bubbles, stress balls and fidget toys

Physical props can also help with regulating emotions and relieving stress. For people who struggle with irregular breathing or hyperventilation when they feel negative emotions, a simple and effective way of controlling this is by blowing bubbles. To make bubbles, you take a breath in and blow it out slowly, and this helps to make the breathing more even again too.

Blowing bubbles is a great technique for neurodivergent children and young people. Other useful tools are things that require some movement, such as fidget toys, stretchy things or things to squeeze. Movement helps the body get rid of cortisol, the stress hormone, which is something neurodivergent people tend to have much more of.

Think about how you talk to your young person

Another important aspect of parenting teenagers in a way that supports their mental health is how you engage and talk with them. As they grow and move from being a child towards adulthood, think about how you can involve your young person in conversations, choices and planning. Involving your teenager in planning is helpful so they feel included, but also to remove some of the spontaneity and so they understand what’s going on.

Often, adolescents will be looking for more space and privacy than they might have wanted as a child. It’s important to allow them this, but also to make sure they don’t feel left out, isolated or unseen. Help them to feel more connected to their family by involving them in conversations and giving them choices – even simple and seemingly unimportant ones, like:

  • What would you like for tea?
  • We’re going to visit your uncle, would you like to come?
  • Is there anything you want to do when we go on holiday?

Finally, tell them you love them. Even if you think it’s not something they want to hear, or you don’t get much of a response – it’s still vital for them to know this.

The transition from primary to secondary school

One final thing that can have a huge impact on adolescent mental health is the transition from primary to secondary school. This is because the environments are so different.

In primary school, there’s one teacher and one classroom. Your child knows who to go to if they need something, and their classroom is their base. In secondary school, however, young people move from classroom to classroom in a place that’s much bigger. They have to find their way around, with everything in their backpack. Different teachers teach different subjects, and it might feel more difficult for your child to know who to speak to if they need support.

In those transition years, it’s important that you check in regularly with your child and make sure they know those important points. Instead of asking your adolescent if they know, you might tell them what they need to know as this information will most likely need repeating. For example:

  • If you don’t feel safe, you go to this place.
  • If you need sanitary products, you go to this place.
  • If you’ve forgotten something or lost something, you go to this place.

If your young person can’t remember information that would help them at secondary school, you might need to remind them. But if they do remember, it’s worth celebrating – it’s all good training for a brain that’s going through a lot of changes.

More information and support

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