Sue’s adoption story – finding my family, finding myself.

23 October 2024
A collection of old family photographs

We know from the people we work with through our PAC-UK service and through our FamilyConnect resource that, for some adopted people, the decision to investigate their personal history can come later in life. Everyone is different and so this can be for a variety of different reasons – here Sue shares her adoption story, and explains why and how she decided to find her mother after nearly 50 years. 

I used to think I found mum and dad so dreadfully embarrassing because I was adopted.  

My real mum and dad would never wear matching bright orange baseball caps so they could see each other in a crowd; my real dad would most definitely be able to reverse into a parking space without my mum having to stop the traffic, and my real mum would never, ever, make me wear a homemade, pink knitted bobble hat to school. Simply, there is no such thing as your own cool parent. 

You might wonder why I’ve mentioned this, but the reason I didn’t trace my birth parents for over 50 years was that I believed my motive was selfish.

By and large, my relationship with my adoptive parents was as good as the relationship between many children and their birth parents, so why rock the boat? 

Sue, adoptee

But the older I got the more the boat kept rocking. I’d wonder  why do I love travelling?, why am I good at sports?”, why am I thin?, why am I so competitive?”, why do I have brown eyes?”, why was my son born with a heart defect? the questions were endless.   

I knew my birth mother was unmarried and I told myself that she had probably gone on to rebuild her life without telling anyone about me, but I started to wonder if she regretted not knowing what happened to me. Then, one day, it dawned on me. Time was running out. My madeup version of her life might be wrongShe might not have gone on to get married, she might not have other children and she might be alone. 

So, that was it. The decision was made, I was going to find my mother… but how do you do that 50 years after she walked out on you? I wasn’t sure if my adoptive parents had told me the complete truth about my adoption but I did know I’d been in the care of my local authority, so I contacted them and arranged an appointment.  

To be honest I didn’t think overworked social workers would be interested in something that happened 50 years ago, but I was proved wrong. My social worker quickly located my file and arranged a follow-up meeting for me to read through it and ask her questions. I’m very pragmatic and had never felt judgemental or angry towards my birth mother, but it didn’t make easy reading.  

Unfortunately the underlying theme was that she didn’t overly care about me… and sometimes she appeared downright callous. Things were so bad at one point that a couple of nurses took us in and had to ‘steal’ milk and gowns for me from a hospital because my mother didn’t buy me anything. She’d moved around as well, often owing money when she moved on. 

But why had she kept me for four months in the 1960s when women like her were considered morally corrupt and children like me referred to as (at best) illegitimate?

A collection of old family photographs

My file revealed that my adoptive parents had been completely honest and I was humbled by what they had done. They were two strangers who had taken in and cared for someone else’s unwanted child as if their own.

I’d never fully appreciated their sacrifice before and I can honestly say my love for them has grown deeper as a result of this knowledge. 

The meeting with the social worker lasted about an hour and wasn’t anything like I’d expected. For some reason, I thought I’d be a dispassionate observer reading about some long-forgotten event but I had the starring role and was caught up by details I’d never known before; my birth weight, appearance, temperament, my mother’s age, her appearance, her job and my Birth Father’s name.  

He had an unusual surname and I tracked him down using Google in minutes when I got home. When I was conceived he was newly married and I guess my mother was hoping he’d leave his wife but he failed to oblige on that front. My maternal grandparent’s home address was also in the file. With their address my search became tangible. I had a wider family.

I thought about my grandparents - about how they’d been involved and how upset they might have been, but also, more importantly, that their permanent home address was a starting point for my search.

Unfortunately, my local authority was unable to help me any further with finding my birth relatives but suggested I used a tracing service (potentially expensive) or an independent consultant (advisor) who was experienced in the search and reunion process and was willing to give advice in a voluntary capacity to people like me.

I was reluctant to use a tracing service not just because of the expense but because I wanted control of the process. I wanted to be able to stop the moment I wanted to. 

At the time the FamilyConnect website didn’t exist; it would have been so useful to have access to such an amazing resource. For people like me who want to search for birth relatives it's invaluable.

However, I was really fortunate to be put in touch with my advisor because, however good you are at research, if you’re not experienced in a particular area you don’t know the right questions to ask. Even worse than that – when you get answers you don’t recognise them for what they are.  

For example, the electoral roll boundaries had changed, so I couldn’t find information about my grandparents from the electoral roll. My advisor suggested that as I had their names it might be useful to search for their birth certificates. This might seem like a backward step but it was actually really helpful. When I was searching for my mother’s birth certificate I could confirm that I had the correct one by cross-referencing with my grandparent’s names from their birth certificates. 

My grandfather’s birth certificate also meant I could search war records. I wish I could say that it was a straightforward process but it’s not. It’s about gathering as much information as you can from publicly available sources and then building up a picture. My advisor also suggested I access my grandparent’s wills. By doing this I found out my birth mother’s married name. 

Unexpectedly my search was quick – all because my mother’s birth certificate showed her time of birth. My advisor knew this only happened in the case of twins. Amazingly, my mother not only had a twin; she had a twin brother with some very unusual middle names.  

He wasn’t as easy to trace as I had hoped. He appeared randomly in records moving around the UK and the Middle East. It was so frustrating. I even find out that he spent a couple of years living within two miles of where I grew up despite having no connection to the area. 

Yet again my advisor helped and we finally located an up to date address for him in the UK. With all the information I had, I was certain that he was my mother’s twin brother and felt sure he would be able to put me in contact with her. 

I think it is really important to use an intermediary - someone who has experience in breaking this kind of news to people.

I was fortunate that the local authority who had shared my adoption records were willing to do this. At the end of the day, the birth family needs time to think and process the information. An intermediary gives them breathing space and it also gives you breathing space. What if the conversation with the intermediary is less than warm?  

The intermediary can also do a final ‘check’ with your birth family, confirming the likelihood that you are related to them and that your interest in them is legitimate.  

In my case, my uncle was very willing to help – but that’s not where the story ends. Like so many families, my birth family is as ‘dysfunctional’ as the next. My story is ongoing; my mother is alive but the advice from those who know her is  ‘don’t contact her, she won’t take it well and you’ll be rejected again’.  

I’ve discovered I’m part of an eccentric family spread across the world - including a lovely uncle, three wonderful half-siblings and some rather alternative cousins.

I’m amazed by the love shown to me by my brother and sisters, and I now understand why I love travelling, why I’m good at sports, why I’m thin, why I’m ridiculously competitive, why my eyes are brown and where the heart defect comes from.  

I’ve talked so much with my siblings, shared silly secrets and cried tears of laughter, with my only regret being I didn’t find them sooner. And if the time is ever right, I want to tell my birth mother I love her. 

 

For more personal stories from adopted people and care leavers investigating their personal history, as well as advice and guidance for those making a search, visit our FamilyConnect website. 

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