Finding my birth family with PAC-UK

Chris’s search for his birth parents expanded his family in unexpected ways. Here he describes his journey with Family Action’s PAC-UK Intermediary Service, which helps adopted people and families find and contact the relatives they were separated from decades before.

I’m 70 years old, and always known I had been adopted in the months immediately after my birth. My adoptive parents never held anything back. As I grew, they told me if I wanted details, I could have them. But I never asked, worried I might sound dissatisfied with the parentage I was getting – and I certainly wasn’t. Later on, I found that a lot of adopted people feel that way.  

I had an extremely happy childhood. There was just my sister – who was not my sister by birth, and was also adopted – my parents and uncles and aunts. None of my cousins knew I was adopted because at the time there was a real stigma relating to adoption and illegitimacy.   

Worried about causing upset

As a child growing up, I was aware of the stigma of being adopted and was worried about whether I’d upset any potential family by getting in touch. That’s why I went through an agency. I was also aware that I could be disappointed by what I found. They were extremely sensitive when asking questions and spot on when it came to discretion and courtesy to everyone involved. There was a lot of waiting around and inevitably it took a long time to access the files, but that’s the way the system works. COVID didn’t help. 

PAC-UK kept me in the loop regarding what they’d heard and the handholding with everyone involved was extremely good. They would tell me what they were working on, describing how they were sending registered letters to people who might be related. Sensitivity was key and they used defined methods in their procedures. Discretion was the watchword.   

The right time to discover the past

They uncovered information about my mother – how she worked in the clothing industry in the North – her work took her all over the country. Later I would find out that my father was indeed a sailor. My parents had met and fallen in love, and he had asked my mother to marry him. I learnt that her parents had put their foot down so the marriage never happened. Whether he sailed off to sea with a broken heart I’ll never know. If I’d discovered all this 30 years ago, I’d have been devastated due to the humiliation of discovering the illegitimacy, but now society’s values have changed.   

Yet there had still been no response to any of the registered letters we’d sent. In fact, it took the best part of two years before, suddenly, a response came from somebody who recognised that she was my sister. I don’t know what was said exactly, as that’s what the intermediary is for, but interest had been sparked and contact made. At first, we exchanged introductory emails – generic information about our lives, without being too specific. She didn’t know her mother had had another child, so that came as rather a shock – which may have been a reason for the delayed response.   

I had been interested in finding my mother and father, but never considered that I would have brothers and sisters, although I was absolutely delighted discovering that I had. After a couple of months of writing to each other, my sister happened to be travelling through the area I live so we decided to meet for coffee. We got on very, very well indeed.   

Neither of us were nervous because the letters we’d sent had been open enough to give us the measure of each other. Over the months that followed, I met the rest of my family in turn. Similarities emerged. Even now when we meet, we’ll suddenly recognise some resemblance or other. Hands, eyes… 

Finding my birth family with PAC-UK

PAC-UK did things correctly. I would have hated to get so far, discover someone, ask a wrong question and have that line cut and never hear from them again.  

As it is, I’ve discovered a whole tranche of nieces and nephews, and they’re all so dynamic, interested and play a consistent part in each other’s lives and really keep the family going. I’m so grateful, as it’s that attitude that’s made it so easy for them to embrace me into the bosom of their family. The miles between us means meeting up takes a bit of arranging, but it happens, and I’m in contact with them every week or so, which is tremendous. 

PAC-UK supports birth parents and adopted people, whose voices and needs have historically been marginalised. You can find out more about this essential service here.