Here, one mum shares how PAC-UK’s non-violent resistance training provided her with the tools she needed to transform her relationship with her children, and gave her hope when she felt overwhelmed.
The little boy who didn’t like to hear the word “no”
When we adopted our five-year-old son we were told he was a little boy who didn’t like to hear the word ‘no’. He came along with his two siblings, and all of them displayed some attachment issues, but with our son it was much more than that.
It started with throwing toys and breaking things in his room – like furniture – but very quickly moved onto fighting at school and hitting me at home.
We had a lot of interaction with social workers, and they arranged things like family therapy, Child and Adolescent Mental Health Support (CAMHS), art therapy and individual life story work with him. But nothing improved the violence towards me in the home.
Escalating violence
By the time he was 12 this was starting to get dangerous as he would throw things while in the car and hurt his younger sister.
We went on a course about violent teens and I did come out of that feeling slightly better, as I wasn’t being held at knifepoint like some of those attending, but a lot of the content about stopping escalation wasn’t really something I could do.
I was at a crossroads and felt helpless in my own life and hostage to a teenager, as we couldn’t enjoy any family time or days out and I didn’t dare take him places or attend family parties.
He would go from laughing and happy to punching me in the face and the escalation in his behaviour felt impossible to manage.
I felt drained, frustrated and unsure what to do next so when he was older still I rang my social worker and said “I cannot continue to be punched by a 15-year-old, 6ft rugby player” and she recommended Non Violent Resistance (NVR) training delivered by Family Action’s adoption support agency, PAC-UK.
Just another thing that wouldn’t work?
I wasn’t optimistic about the outcome but at that stage I would try anything that would help as everyone was unhappy and, in fact, in my first session I told the trainer that this was just another thing that was not going to work. Over 10 sessions of one-to-one NVR therapeutic work they proved me wrong.
NVR showed me how to think about why he acts like he does, how I was acting and how to improve my parental presence and pick my battles.
How NVR works
The NVR therapeutic programme contradicts some traditional parenting ideas and doesn’t rely on punishments or even rewards in the traditional sense. The focus is on building emotional resilience, improving the connection with your child, and changing the dynamic between adults and children without resorting to aggression or power struggles.
It has profoundly impacted the way I approach parenting and even my interactions with others. NVR invited me to become more reflective, examine my own emotional triggers, and respond in a way that was measured, calm, and rooted in empathy.
There were some really enlightening moments. I remember thinking that him wanting to wear scruffy shorts to go out to dinner was a massive issue and soon realised this was my trigger… did it really matter? Taking this approach offered me a sense of power that wasn’t rooted in control, but instead depended on self-control and understanding.
He even chooses to put things other than shorts on for dinner now without me even mentioning it! If things start to turn into escalations he or I now notice it and revisit the issue later.
We have had no violence in the house since we finished the course three years ago.
Seeing the change
It’s been amazing how things have changed – the house is happier, and we can do things as a family. We have a great relationship and, although as an 18-year-old he is pushing boundaries, it is easier to have connective conversations that don’t blow up into violence because we are now more connected. I can ask him to clean up the kitchen after he has made a mess without any issue where before that would have prompted a violent reaction.
When I saw the positive changes the course brought about in our lives I started to tell others about it so when I was asked if I would become a parent graduate on the course and share my experiences of using NVR I didn’t hesitate; NVR works, and I was happy to share how we use it.
Sharing our experiences
What I really like about the role is the transformation you see in families. When parents arrive in week one, they look like they haven’t brushed their hair, have got dressed in a rush or are simply exhausted.
Then, when they start to use the things they’ve learnt, the check-ins at the start of the session begin to change. It goes from everyone saying there’s lots of violence and (literal) holes in their walls to people in week eight saying, “it’s been ok actually, there’s been no incidents”
I see parents go from being quiet and downtrodden to being confident and positive that things are changing.
Meeting others helps them to realise it’s not just them that are struggling and that support is helpful. It is incredibly rewarding to see those changes and know that I might have helped a little bit.
What NVR does is move parents away from traditional, sometimes outdated, methods like yelling, punishing, or withdrawing love that leave us caught in a cycle of conflict that only deepens the divide between us and the children we care for.
It’s about nurturing a more compassionate and collaborative relationship, seeing the bigger picture and understanding that challenging behaviour is often a signal of un-met needs – not a personal attack or failure.
NVR is life changing and I am so grateful for having been sent on the programme with my husband and to now be helping others with it. It’s not a quick fix; it’s a way of parenting. It provided me with the tools I needed to transform my relationship with our children, and it gave me hope when I felt overwhelmed.
Child to parent violence services
Family Action’s adoption support agency, PAC-UK, offers a broad range of specialist Child to Parent Violence (CPV) services for parents, carers and professionals. These services are approved for funding by the Adoption & Special Guardianship Support Fund (ASGSF). For further information visit PAC-UK child to parent violence service or email [email protected].
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