Managing tensions in the family at Christmas

Understand that perfect doesn’t exist

Everywhere you look on television, in magazines and shops there are images and stories designed to promote the image of an idyllic Christmas. This has become even more widespread with the growth of social media. We know people often only share the positive or best bits of their celebrations, but it can still leave us feeling like everyone else is having a better time than we are. If you find yourself constantly comparing your family Christmas to what you see online, consider taking a break from social media for a little while.

Instead, concentrate on talking with your family about what’s really important. You might all have different preferences for Christmas activities and food for example, but working with your family to plan how you want your Christmas to look can help. For more on this, see our article How to manage the expectations of children at Christmas.

If you’re catering for people with different tastes, or you’re stressed about hosting and cooking several meals for family staying over, suggest a menu so people know what to expect up front. Alternatively, you might ask your family to each suggest one meal option and to also contribute one item or dish. As well as making cooking easier on you, this is also a good way of making sure everyone feels valued and involved.

Be kind to yourself

One valuable thing that’s available to you during Christmas is your energy and enthusiasm, so take steps to look after yourself. A particularly important one is trying to make sure you get enough sleep. Being well-rested will help you feel better equipped for any potentially stressful or tricky situations.

Self-care is something parents can neglect when they’re getting things sorted for their family. But actually, prioritising yourself often has a positive effect on family members too, as you’re better able to cope and have more headspace for them. Allow yourself some relaxation time, and spend it doing whatever helps you slow down and take a deep breath – even if that’s as simple as making yourself a cup of tea and drinking it while it’s still hot!

Planning Christmas as separated parents

If you no longer live with your child’s other parent, you may need to work out how you share time with your child over the holiday period and in particular on Christmas day itself. After separation, Christmas may be difficult. You could choose to think of this as a chance to look at Christmas differently, mix it up a bit and start some new traditions.

Try to keep conversations with your ex-partner positive, and whatever you decide, make sure the feelings of your children take priority. If you’re on good terms, you might be able to spend Christmas Day together. Some families choose to alternate between having the children for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning or from lunchtime onwards for the remainder of Christmas Day and Boxing Day.

Remember that Christmas soon passes

Some of us are dealing with situations like reduced finances, bereavement, family trauma or families that are separated for a variety of reasons, and it may be that regardless of how hard you try Christmas can still be a difficult time. In these situations, it can help to remember that this period will end and you can get on with life as normal.

As well as thinking about the whole Christmas season in this way, it can also be a useful strategy for dealing with particular moments of tension over the season. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to but if you do feel pressure to spend time in difficult family situations because of the time of year, try to find a way to put a time limit on it in advance. For example, you may try to visit other people’s houses, so you’re in control of when you leave if you feel you need to.

You’re not alone

We’ve seen first-hand how sharing concerns and worries can help put them in context and make them feel less overwhelming. Talk to your friends about their ways of managing tensions in their family. Even if their concerns are different to yours, it will help you to understand that nobody has it all figured out. They may even be able to help you by sharing their own strategies.

If family tensions are causing you concern and you need more guidance, consider contacting FamilyLine for emotional support and practical information.