In this story Tim shares how he turned his own painful experience of separation and co-parenting into a calling by volunteering for Family Action’s Planning Together for Children service.
I’m a separated parent myself who’s been affected by many of the same issues as the people I talk to. The split between my wife and I hadn’t been amicable, and it was a painful process as I’d always thoroughly enjoyed being a dad and we now lived in separate houses.
I struggled (and still struggle) to obtain fair access to my daughter, and with the injustice I perceive in this. I’d become lost in the process, and I was at the point where I was thinking “what do I do?”. It was confusing and overwhelming.
Like a lot of parents, I’d already spent a lot on solicitors’ fees because you reach out and the first people you come across are solicitors in family law… And suddenly you’ve found you’ve sent a flurry of letters in two years.
I was referred to Family Action following the Child Court Process and I attended a course called Planning Together for Children.
I remember some aspects being very useful, such as discussions around the loss cycle. There was also a powerful metaphor where they explained that a child moving between two parents who have a difficult situation can feel like they must cross a lake a few times a week.
I think a lot of the attendees were obsessed with the other partner playing ball, but that metaphor helped us understand that, even if you help them across the lake one way, you’re doing a lot for your child.
Looking back, I think I was desperate for information and the rules of co-parenting – which is a phrase I know now but didn’t know at the time.
There must have been a seed of an idea growing within me as when the course finished, I asked the facilitator about volunteering or doing more with the scheme. They were very friendly and sent me a job specification and an application form.
Shortly after I’d completed it, I attended an online interview for the position. I remember the interview was professionally run – they asked the right questions.
Some of the role is nuts and bolts – admin essentially – some is signposting people to helpful sources of information, but quite often I find myself helping them navigate the overwhelming feelings they’re dealing with.
I thought that if I could help any other parent even ten per cent that would be a worthwhile use of my time. I still feel that way, even though I’ve been volunteering for two and a half years.
The process opens the door to discussions where callers can get things off their chest. That can be quite mentally taxing as a volunteer, but it can also be rewarding if you can help them even a tiny bit. Because nobody has all the answers, but we can be there for each other.
Sometimes you take some heat from the people we speak to, but I understand that it’s about them being overwhelmed. They’re financially and emotionally stressed, and they might be speaking to courts, CafCass and other organisations. From their perspective it can initially seem like it’s just some other person ringing them up.
I’ve found volunteering is good for getting a new perspective on your own experiences, as you get to hear about a range of situations, and that perspective can be passed onto the people who call.
Sometimes it becomes apparent that the person doesn’t have anyone to talk to and the pain or whatever regarding the situation can come out.
It obviously has the potential to be a bit triggering sometimes, and if you get a few heavy calls on a shift it can be mentally draining, but that’s why we’re always improving the reporting-in structure and the ability to talk about our experiences.
It’s important to be able to discuss the aspects of difficult cases with the team and have effective line management where you’re allowed to tell people if you’ve had a difficult day.
When you’re going through difficult times being able to realise, you’re not the only one going through it helps.
I still work in a job that requires a lot of travel, and it’s not always been an easy ride finding the time to accommodate volunteering. It’s been a bit of a juggling act, but the team are understanding and I was always motivated to make it work.
I think that’s why, even though volunteers sometimes find there’s a natural end to when they want to be involved, I’ve happily continued as best I can with the time available.
That’s not a claim to fame or a boast… I feel kind of privileged to be here.
It feels a bit like a calling - a way to take the pain and confusion which comes along sometimes as a single parent, and channel it into something useful which can have a positive effect on other parents and their children.
