Money worries can put pressure on any relationship. The unfortunate truth is that being employed isn’t always enough to be able to afford the cost of living. And even if you’re both in work and earning money, you might still find yourselves struggling.
Other potential sources of relationship issues include earning different amounts, having different attitudes toward spending, or one of you being out of work. Despite all this, there are steps you can take together to help you feel more in control – and that’s what we’ll be looking at in this article.
If you’re struggling to pay your bills now, need more immediate help or are very worried about your debt, skip straight to When to get professional help at the bottom of the article, and contact one of the debt charities listed there.
In this article we cover:
Understanding your financial situation together
When money is tight, the first step is getting a clear picture of what’s going on. This helps you understand your current position so you can make the best decisions possible together going forward. It also helps to reduce confusion.
To do this:
- Work out your budget together: See the next section, Budgeting as a team, for exactly how to do this.
- List any debts: Include the amount owed, monthly payments, and who the debt is with.
- List any urgent issues: These might include any payments that could have serious consequences (like eviction or legal action) if they’re missed. MoneyHelper’s bill prioritiser tool could help you with this.
- Share information honestly: It may be that one of you has spent too much in the past, or made some financial decisions they regret. Try to avoid blame. Rather than focusing on why something happened, focus on what you need to do next. We go into this in more detail in the section Talking about money when emotions are high.
Budgeting as a team
Creating a budget together helps you understand what money is coming in, what needs to go out, and where you can make changes. Free budgeting templates or apps can make this easier, such as this budget planner from MoneyHelper.
To build a shared budget:
- List your income and expenses: Start with the amount you have coming in each month. Then list all your necessary expenses. These might include your rent or mortgage, utility bills (energy, water), council tax, groceries, transport, and childcare.
- Decide what’s shared and what’s separate: Some couples prefer a joint account for bills and individual accounts for wages or salary to be paid into. If you do this, you may agree to put a set amount into the joint account for bills each month and keep the rest of your money in your individual account.
- Agree on spending limits: You may decide that any spend that’s for the household (in other words, not personal spending) over a certain amount should be discussed first. For example, if one of you is grocery shopping and you’ve decided jointly you have up to £50 to spend on your list of groceries for the week ahead, don’t splash out on extras before checking with your partner.
- Review regularly: Checking the budget regularly helps you stay on track and adjust when things change.
Talking about money when emotions are high
It’s common for money discussions to feel uncomfortable or stressful, especially if one person is worried about being judged or blamed. The truth is many of us just aren’t comfortable talking about money.
A recent survey of over 2,400 UK adults by the Money and Pensions Advice service found that only 44% of adults feel comfortable talking to their friends about money, with 52% feeling comfortable talking about the topic with their family.
The following tips can help to make these conversations feel easier:
- Choose the right moment: Try discussing money when you’re both calm, and not rushing or already feeling tense. The end of a stressful, busy day may not be the best time to have a productive conversation.
- Focus on the situation, not the person: For example, say “Costs are increasing” rather than “You’re spending too much”.
- Set a time limit: Deciding to have a 20–30 minute discussion can help to stop things from becoming overwhelming. You might say, “Let’s go through the budget for half an hour after dinner, then stop and continue tomorrow if we need to.”
- Take a break if needed: If things get tense, agree to pause and come back to the conversation later.
When one partner earns significantly more
It’s very unlikely that you and your partner will earn exactly the same amount. But if one of you earns quite a bit more than the other, it can lead to discomfort for both partners.
Splitting bills 50/50 may not work. Instead, consider what feels fair – and this may vary from one relationship to another. To do this you might:
- Consider proportional contributions: Each person might pay a percentage of what they earn, rather than the same amount. Another option might be for the higher-earning partner to pay a larger share of the rent, while both contribute equally to groceries.
- Talk openly about expectations: The higher earner may worry about pressure while the lower earner may feel guilty. Having a chat can help to make expectations clearer and also put your minds at ease.
- Recognise non‑financial contributions: It could be that one of you works fewer hours to allow for childcare, and at the same time also contributes more time towards running the home – cleaning and grocery shopping, for example. These things, along with other things like managing household admin, are all important contributions.
If one partner is out of work
Being unemployed can be very stressful, especially if it continues for any length of time. It may also affect confidence, and create a sense of imbalance in a relationship.
There are some steps you can take together that are realistic and practical.
- Review your budget: Look at your costs to see what can be reduced or paused. Do you have any subscriptions you can pause for a few months, or other ‘nice-to-have’ expenses you can reduce until you’re earning again?
- Discuss practical support: This might include helping with job applications, reading applications to check for typos, or taking on more of the childcare so your partner has time to search for work.
- Check benefit entitlements: You might be eligible for financial support depending on your situation. Use a benefits calculator to make sure you’re claiming everything that you’re entitled to.
Managing debt within a relationship
Debt can feel overwhelming, especially if only one of you knows about it or if one person has more debt than the other. Being open about it helps you make a plan together.
- Explain the debt clearly: Share the total amount, how long it has existed, and any repayment deadlines.
- Keep debts separate unless you both agree otherwise: You don’t need to merge finances to support each other.
- Avoid taking out new joint debt: It’s usually best to avoid loans or credit agreements in both names until the situation is more stable.
- Create a repayment plan: This might mean prioritising debts to make sure you’re paying off the highest‑interest debts first.
- Seek expert help if needed: Free advice is available from charities and support organisations. If you feel your debt is getting worse and you’re not sure what to do, seek help as soon as possible. This will help you to start making positive steps towards managing your debt. See the last section, When to get professional help, for charities to contact.
For more detail on managing debt, see our article: Debt management: what you can do if you’re in debt and where to go for help.
Creating healthy financial boundaries
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with setting clear financial boundaries in a relationship, and doing this can help both partners feel respected and prevent misunderstandings. It’s especially important if you have different spending habits or attitudes to money.
Here are some examples of how you might go about setting boundaries:
- Agree spending limits on joint money: We’ve already discussed setting spending limits above, but this is a great example of setting healthy boundaries. For any money that’s designated ‘joint’ or ‘household’ money, you might decide to set a limit that either of you can spend before discussing it with the other person.
- Keep at least one personal account: Keeping an individual account alongside the joint one allows you to maintain your financial independence while still contributing to the household bills.
- Be clear about responsibilities: Often one person in a relationship naturally becomes the one who organises or manages finances. Even so, it’s important you both understand the financial position you’re in as a couple. Alternatively you could divide it up – one person might manage the bills, while the other manages keeps track of the budget.
- Avoid monitoring or controlling behaviour: Asking questions about joint bills and spending is fine, but one partner shouldn’t demand receipts or sole access to accounts. There’s a clear line between being organised and being controlling. If you feel uncomfortable or that you’re being restricted financially, you can find out more about economic abuse from the charity Surviving Economic Abuse.
When to get professional help
In this article we’ve given you some tips to help manage your money as well as you can with your partner. But there are times when getting support from outside your relationship can make a difference.
If you’re having any concerns about debt or being able to pay your household bills, get in touch with one of the following debt charities:
These organisations will work with you and your partner and help you for free.
For support with your relationship and any conflicts that conversations about money can bring, get in touch with Relate.
And finally, if you have any concerns about financial control or pressure, reach out to Surviving Economic Abuse.
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